May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Houston, we have a blender
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
