Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
