Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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