Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
