guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
