I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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