last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
