rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
