All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
