I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
