My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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