it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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