You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
