if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
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