She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
