yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
