I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
