My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You took a bar mat shot.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
