The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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