By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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