I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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