Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize