I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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