from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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