My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
