dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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