someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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