I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize