the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
