...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
