is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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