I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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