If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize