It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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