You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
