I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
