we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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