last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize