tell your sister to shave her snatch
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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