I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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