No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize