I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
