What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
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