just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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