walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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