Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
