I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
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