I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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