last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
