Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
two words: eviction party
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm both gender and math confused
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize