Can i not drive my cunt home
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
