hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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