Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
