my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
