Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
