I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
