my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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