I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
