does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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