my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
