i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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