i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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