Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
