At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
birth control should be required to get into college
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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