WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
