We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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