he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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