Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
